Has Hashimoto’s affected your marriage?
Sadly I have a feeling this is the case for more people with thyroid disease than anyone can imagine.
It gives me hope when I hear from husbands and wives that have made it through the rough times.
Are you married to Hashimoto’s?
Love your spouse with every fiber of your being, because she needs you now more than ever, and never lose sight of the most important thing in love … hope.
Written by Rock Robbins
So, if you’re a guy and you’re reading this – congratulations. That you’re even looking at this puts you into the rare category of guys who are trying to understand what your partner is going through. So, way to go. May I say that I did not fall into this category until years later in my relationship with my wife, Stacey. And let’s face it, the ‘average guy’ is probably fine if his spouse is going through some health issue, as long as…
- He doesn’t have to do too much and
- He doesn’t have to think about too much
If you’re like me, I leave a lot of the health issues to my wife as she’s just more naturally nurturing than I am. As guys, we have many other things in our life vying for our attention – family, work, friends, finances, sports, cars, (insert yours here). If you’re already active in the ‘help and support your partner’ department – awesome for you, keep it up.
I got married to Stacey about 27 years ago. Seven years in she got sick and a few years later was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. It changed our life, because it changed her life. Suddenly I was Married to Hashimoto’s.
(Hashimoto’s, for you guys who are still learning the ropes, is an autoimmune condition where the body attacks the thyroid. The thyroid controls pretty much everything from weight to moods, from sleep to sex – and about a million things in between.)
So, with that said, I want to give you some tips that will save you time, your sanity, and your sex life. Even if you only do some of the suggestions I’m about to lay out, it’s likely your life will get much better between you and your wife as she grapples with a Hashimoto’s diagnosis.
Tip #1 – Realize that even though she looks ‘normal’, she’s not.
Here’s the thing with Hashimoto’s, when it first gets going in someone’s body they can seem totally fine on the outside. Things seem okay, but then they start dealing with things like…
- Fatigue
- Brain fog, or fuzzy thinking
- Pale / puffy face
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Constipation
- Feeling cold
- Joint pain
- Thinning hair
- Low libido
- Slowed heart rate
And those are just some of the symptoms she may have before we enter the exciting world of weight gain.3
The problem is, in the beginning, we as men may dismiss these things, or hope that they go away like they do with most healthy people. But with Hashimoto’s, when untreated, things can steadily move into more and more very un-fun symptoms that just don’t ‘go away’.
Tip #2 – Stop acting like this is all in her head
I wish I didn’t have to put this here, but even I have fallen prey to the ‘I feel fine, so you should too’ kind of thinking. We get so busy, that when our partner is sick, it cramps our style, and all that we want to get done. If she’s looking ‘normal’, it’s tempting to say, ‘Hey! Snap out of it, and let’s get back to the fun, and all the things we used to do.’ Again, with most healthy people, some rest and time is enough to have their bodies repair anything that’s going on, but this is no ordinary health issue.
Hashimoto’s is basically your body fighting against itself, and attacking the ‘master’ gland in your body, the thyroid.1 The thyroid’s main job is to control metabolism, which is our body’s ability to break down food and convert it to energy. The hormones the thyroid creates are essential to proper development of all cells in the human body.2 Whoah, let’s pause and read that last sentence again, especially the ALL CELLS part. These hormones also regulate protein, fat, carbohydrate and vitamin metabolism.2 The reason you’re able to sit there and calmly read this article is because your thyroid is working in concert with the rest of your body. Trust me, this is not something anyone wants, and if they do have it, they don’t want someone giving them 9 miles of bad road on how they’re dealing with it.
I’m a bit of a geek, so I like to think of this like troubleshooting a computer. If the motherboard has something wrong with it, it’s not going to matter if all the other parts are sound. Things likely won’t work properly for long, if they even work at all. And with Hashimoto’s, it can easily be misdiagnosed as other health issues; you can end up doing a LOT of troubleshooting and tests on specific symptoms for a long time before you finally get to the big picture of a Hashimoto’s diagnosis.
Quick FYI – thyroid disease alone affects 20% of American women – that’s 1 in 5! 4 Of that number, Hashimoto’s is the most common cause of low thyroid and affects women ten times more than men.5
Trust me, if she could just flip the switch to get back to ‘normal’ she would. She doesn’t want to be a drag, not feel well, be stuck wondering what to do, and be frustrated with why her doctor doesn’t seem to deal with this effectively.
So, do yourself a favor, instead of putting that energy of frustration against her, put it toward helping her feel understood, comfortable, and cared for while you both sort out the next important steps. Again, this will give you major bonus points for being part of the solution, and not just another reminder that she’s broken or crazy.
Tip #3 – Don’t be a jerk
This goes hand in hand with #2. Sorry to be blunt guys, but we can sometimes be dismissive when someone else is having a health issue.
“You look fine”
“Why are you just lying around?”
“Maybe if you get up and start moving, you’ll feel better.”
We can be so sure we’re right, and that we know what’s going on, we’ll treat people the way we think they are, rather than the way they actually are. And it doesn’t help us that a great share of our well-meaning primary care physicians push an outmoded treatment protocol by saying that this issue is easy to solve just by taking a pill – most of the time it’s not. Hashimoto’s usually presents itself as one complicated ass-kicking disease. Trust me, if you were going through this, feeling awful with no energy, fuzzy thinking, and pain, you’d have a lot more compassion.
If it helps, imaging the feeling after being kicked in the nuts, and the sickening and aching aftermath of that; then imagine that lingering feeling going for days on end, or months, or years. You wouldn’t want someone getting up in your face and saying…
“What’s the matter with you?”
“You look fine.”
“Just get up and act normal again.”
Tip #4 – Be a part of the team, it benefits everyone (especially you)
Hopefully you’re already onboard with this. But if you’ve ever seen a family where the mom has been taken out with a bad cold or flu, you know what a big impact that has on the home. Meals quickly become dad making cereal, canned soup, or microwave and takeout meals for days. The house becomes a mess overnight. The sports and social schedule gets jacked up if dad isn’t already clued into the regular routine. Hopefully family or friends come to help. Regardless, the impact is felt keenly in the home when the person running the house is taken out with sickness.
Now if you’re already getting in there and having her rest and eat good food – awesome. If you’re not – pick up the slack in the home, and be an agent of help and peace, it will benefit you in major ways.
The last time I had a major flu where I was taken out for 3-4 days, I remember how my wife kicked into gear and helped me (all while juggling the household, her work, her mother who was in from out of town, and our kids igloo school project that involved oversized marshmallows and a hair dryer).
I was so grateful and impressed by her steady care of me, all without complaining. This is what I try to remember anytime she needs a helping hand or she’s feeling sick or depressed.
You have no idea how much it will benefit you to invest in her health – either through caring for the immediate needs, or researching what could help. It’s like investing in an account that gets 150% interest.
Tip #5 – Choose to be Mr. Consistent with whatever version of her shows up
Yeah, this one takes some intention and determination because when a woman is going through Hashimoto’s, and the attendant emotional and physical ups and down, you may get…
- Angry partner
- Exhausted partner
- Frustrated partner
- Thankful partner
- Sad partner
- ‘It’s all your fault’ partner
- Fearful partner
- ‘I give up’ partner
I have had times of really bringing my A game to these scenarios, where I choose to love her even though she’s not reflecting that love back to me. Other times, I’ve gotten frustrated at her, and basically given her a hard time – not so helpful. Usually I think back to the times when she helped me, and get back on track. But heck, even if she hadn’t taken care of me – I have a commitment to her that is strong that was truly tested during her many years of whacko symptoms.
So, here’s the question to you: what is your level of commitment to this person? Because, it could get really gnarly in this process before it gets better. Meds, supplements, and diet changes don’t happen overnight so, even if you’re on the right track, it still takes time for her body to respond to the good things you’re doing. You should really decide who you’re going to be now, cause it’s likely going to get bumpy, possibly for a long while as you both dial in what works for her.
I’m not trying to scare you, but if you’re faint of heart, or in the ‘till inconvenience do us part’ type of commitment, it may not go well for both of you. She’s going to need to focus her energy on getting rest, tracking symptoms, food changes, mind issues, and listening to her body to find that sweet spot of what works for her.
Truly, I want you to be there for your wife, the same way I want me to be there for Stacey. To put any excuses aside (if you have any) and put the time and effort that will be required to get her back to health and wholeness. Again, this is an investment that will benefit both of you.
We can do it.
You can do it.
Tip #6 – Know that it’s possible to get her health and life back.
This is important. Without hope, it would be easy to get discouraged. So many doctors visits and tests. Medications and food protocols. Reading thyroid healing books. Making logs of symptoms and thyroid levels. Taking walks together and talking through how we’re doing. Getting the kids on the same page. Making sure I get my time and recharge my own batteries.
But for me, I can tell you that it’s worth all the work we did to get my wife to where she is now in her health. She has more energy and peace. She knows what works for her food-wise, and what relationships don’t add to her life.
This whole adventure is more than just food or pills. You may be thinking, ‘Oh joy… there’s more?’ Yes, there’s more, but that’s ultimately a good thing. It’s highly likely that some of her prior way of thinking and living was part of the issue. The truth is that her new ‘normal’ may be very different than what it was before. Different foods, different pace, and a different way of being. What worked back then may not work for this new season.
With Hashimoto’s, her body is waving a white flag and saying, through symptoms, “There’s something going on! I can’t do this the same way anymore!” This is the opportunity to take the cue and adjust accordingly.
And hopefully, through the experiences my wife and I went through, we can short cut you to the quickest road back to health and happiness.
You’re not alone.
We’re in this together.
Rock Robbins
(along with sons Seth and Caleb, and wife Stacey)
About Rock Robbins
Rock Robbins is an Author and Coach. Check out his book The Guys’ Guide to Hashimoto’s. Rock lives with his wife and 2 sons in Southern California.
READ NEXT: THE DAY HYPOTHYROIDISM BROKE MY BRAIN
I have pcos for 8 years now and was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism about 2 years ago . I was recently diagnosed with heart issues on top of it I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. This is really nice for partners to get a feel for some of the stuff we go through.
This didn’t help me at all! This just made me feel like I’m at fault for everything! Those with hashimotos just blame their spouse seven though we’re trying to understand! I’m tired and feeling defeated after trying and trying!
I’m sorry this article made you feel that way. It’s so hard to have hypothyroidism and it is not our fault. The article was meant for spouses feeling confused but I see what you mean. Good to have you at Hypothyroid Mom.
Thank you for sharing this experience. I don’t know how it could have related more to my experience except to say that my wife has been married before and carries a lot of traumas and struggles from her ex and the way he treated her. We have had to go through a lot of confusing things, at least for me they were confusing and sometimes still don’t make sense or seem to add up but it was comforting and healing to experience this article and see that I’m not a lone. Thanks again!
Good to have you at Hypothyroid Mom.
I’ve known my wife for 20 years now, since we met my freshman year in high school. Now married for the last 3 years. We were both married once before, both in (not so nurturing) abusive relationships. Our marriage started off pretty rocky, both with dealing with our habits from our past marriages, and this new world(to me) of Hashimoto’s. It has taken a TON of patience from both of us in understanding this new world together, not to mention she brought 2 young children into my picture at the same time. Aside from figuring out how to navigate this disease, the most helpful thing we have done together for us all was bringing God into the center of it all. Trusting that He will help guide and lead us through the struggles has been paramount to where we are now. It has taken me leaving my confusion to Him and loving her the way a husband is supposed to love his wife, having immense patience and really listening to her and her needs. We cook almost every meal at home so I’ve become a pretty good and versatile cook to meet her dietary needs due to this disease. We have adjusted our finances to make sure she has everything she needs, as eating gluten, dairy and soy-free is not easy OR cheap. But we have made a LOT of sacrifices to make it work, and it works! Glory be to God that we have encountered multiple raises and financial opportunities that have made the changes comfortable and possible, but it has required a faithful commitment and intention toward understanding what is needed to make it work. I’m about to order this book because a deeper understanding will only help us all to better navigate these obstacles and, men, as you know (or will soon find out), make all of our lives that much happier with a happy wife in the home! I hope this, and this book will help every couple struggling with this disease. We are already in a MUCH better place than we were our first year, and I hope you all will be also.
My wife sent this link to me and I thought it was a book and not just an article. lol So I guess I will not be ordering anything. But it’s still a very helpful and informative article! Now I wish it was a book… dang it…
It was a breath of fresh air to come across this. My wife has been struggling for quite some time now. All the signs I’ve checked off it makes sense now. The fatigue she fights daily. Yet somehow able to get up and out on a smile for the public amazes me. I see the struggle and determined to be the best support possible. It is not easy. Not at all watching her spiral. It has affected my mental well being. I make it my job to find ways to release stress. We are in the process of finding a new endocrinologist that will hopefully do a better job this time around.
Hi Jason, Happy to have a husband here at Hypothyroid Mom. It is hard as the patient to go through this mysterious disease and the help of a supportive loving person is a great help. Should your wife continue to struggle in finding a good thyroid doctor, I’ve been compiling lists of good thyroid doctors by region by asking my many Hypothyroid Mom followers over the years. I provide a list of patient-recommended thyroid doctors by the person’s region for everyone that signs up for an individual virtual consult with me. https://hypothyroidmom.com/contact/
Hello my wife sent this to me yesterday and I just read this and I would like to tell everyone that I’m so very blessed that I have found this group. In 2016 I met my beautiful wife and a little less than a month we got married. The first time I saw her and the way she hugged me I knew that she my soulmate my everything. Well she had a thyroid disorder for many years before and she had chemotherapy but I have been watching the most beautiful amazing god sent angel slowly become someone I don’t know. I have a little education to this because of my little sister having her thyroid removed and almost passing away in the early 2000s. But I have never seen anyone with this condition before so it has been a very very long journey for me and my wife. 7 years together and we have been through so much so much that no one ever makes it through this difficult time but god has been in our lives my entire life but my wife wasn’t a godly person until she met me and she seen the way I talk to god and the blessing that he gave me, she said that there is absolutely no way things could be done unless god was there. God gave me the seeds to plant and he gave them water ❤️🙏. So the past few months have been really hard I have watched my wife quickly get further and further into this awful demon. I’m so upset that she has been though so much in her past life and I can’t do anything to stop it. See god has used me to help him with us broken damaged people from kids to elderly people and I believe that he was preparing me for this journey with my wife so I would be stronger and more patient but I let my human mind take me to a place where I was ready to give up and abandon my wife and children because I also have a mental health condition and I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have no family to help me with anything never in my life I have always been alone. I lost my dad in 2020 to meth and I have been in a lot of depression and anxiety and everything you can possibly imagine but I have a wife and family that is my everything and I’m not gonna to give up on them they have always been there for me no matter what I was going through. To the men who have been here and wanted to help their wife and family I thank you so much for being here and looking to help them and not give up on them. We need more of us in this world badly. So thank you and the people who made this group and our Amazing Alpha The Omega The One And Only Jesus Christ for giving us the opportunity to make a great experience for our wife’s and children. ❤️❤️🙏🙏 God bless everyone and good luck with your journey to becoming a amazing man!
My wife and I have been going though Hashimoto’s for over six years. This article nails exactly all the same things that I have gone through. I too thought it was just a phase, not a lifestyle change. It has taken me this long to get fully on board that our life has, and needs to change in diet, schedule, etc.. I was supportive, but only half in,not fully understanding how it had changed her, and me both physically, and mentally. She has always been independent so it has made it hard to know when it’s Hashimoto’s showing up, or her before it reared it’s ugly head. We have been on the verge of separation before, and are just working through it again now. I had to make a commitment to myself to be the best me first to bring to the marriage before I can help and support her through this. That has a really unlocked a lot of things for me. I never realized how mentally and emotionally draining this has been on me as well. I know she has the Hashimoto’s but we are both living through the symptoms together. I found a great podcast that has helped me make the decision to show up and fulfill my commitments we made “Till death do us part.”
https://open.spotify.com/episode/3tzeaKwjmtqsCbeigHAiwJ?si=s5UEvshCTT6FSupJWcRWLg&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A6NyPQfcSR9nj0DPDr2ixrK
I feel like you wrote this to my ex…a little too late. Always accused me of lying about my illness. Even after showing him my diagnosis of hypothyroidism. It wasn’t until last year I was tested for Hashimoto’s antibodies. My new doctor said most people with hypothyroidism have it due to Hashimoto’s. You live and learn…his true colors came out. So much fir in sickness…I’m still on my journey to getting healthy.
Thank you for sharing. It’s so tough when you look healthy but constantly have to defend being tired and not feeling well. I work hard every day to feel normal. It’s exhausting! I want my old life back! But in the meantime, I’ll keep getting up every day searching and looking praying for answers. thanks again! Ps. I have a zest for life but my body is wants to be a couch potato. 😭
You’ve not alone Sandy. It is hard to explain this type of disease, where you may look perfectly fine on the outside but feel sick on the inside, to someone else unless they’ve lived it too. Good to have you here at Hypothyroid mMom.
This article brought me to tears, I got really sick 4 years after I got married, no one seemed to have any answers everyone believed it was in my head including doctors. When doctors don’t have the answer they always go to depression and anxiety diagnoses. Which our symptoms of a thyroid condition not the diagnosis. It tore my marriage to pieces because it really allowed me to see who I really married. I handled everything in our marriage when I got sick he couldn’t handle it. I had no choose but to push through taking care of everything and raising our two children. I ended up resenting him so much I needed just a little compassion! I got divorced worked hard to find the right doctors and to take care of myself! For the first time in my life I’m in a good place I have come out thee other side and there is light my beautiful daughters gave me the love and support and are always there for me I have beautiful grandchildren now and the other day our family were together including my ex-husband afterwards he called my daughter and brought me up he said to her your mother sees in a really good place Your mother’s seems so happy! My daughter was so upset because she sees that her father still loves me but was too weak to be the support he should have been (he really was not the best as a father only through the girls being able to forgive him is there a relationship) What’s sad for my daughters and I is he blew up our family because he wasn’t able to ride out the tough times! He’s realizing what he threw away now that he’s getting older! Me I’m a survivor their was never any doubt for me because of my deep faith because sometimes usually the hard times you realize God never leaves and is always their it takes deep abiding faith! God always helps you find the right path As I play with my grand babies and laugh with my two beautiful daughters Im the richest woman and boy as he lost out! Fight for yourself do not except poor care search out and find a doctor who truly cares! We all deserve good care! And be prepared to realize their our a lot of doctors who are about the money and not their patience! Do not except it! I didn’t and found a wonderful doctors and how I New they were for me they spend 2 on my first visit and had taken my file home before meeting me and read my whole file to get to know me! That’s a true doctor who cares about his patience ! God bless all of you and never forget You are worthy!
Thank you for this. I sent it to my husband. Idk if he read it or not he didn’t say anything abt it. Ever since I found out I got it I feel like I’m falling apart more and more every day. My memory is getting so bad. Sometimes I feel like my husband will leave me cause I have this. We have only been married over a year. Im scared. Never imagined getting something like this.
I’m sorry to hear this. It is difficult for people that do not have this disease to understand all that it can do to the body. I hope this article is helpful to you and your husband. All the best, Dana Trentini (aka Hypothyroid Mom)
I had my thyroid removed 5 yrs. ago, I had some knowledge from reading about hypothyrodism. There so much more to it, wish someone had told me about this yrs ago! I am and have been experiencing most if this. People just assume that your old or just lazy! knowing somethings wrong and have no control over anything us scary!!!! Drs need to educate us on what happens to your entire mind, body and life with this disease ….Thank You! I need a new dr, my appointment has been cancelled so many times and I can’t get in to see my dr. til June. He told me at least a year ago that my meds need changed….it does! I’m having some very scary problems!
Lesa, It’s good to have you at Hypothyroid Mom. You’re right that we must educate ourselves in order to get the best help. I hope your new doctor helps you find optimal treatment. If you wish to find a different doctor, consider booking an individual consult with me. I give every person a list of thyroid doctors for their areas based on recommendations from my followers as a bonus. Here’s my booking page: https://ny786.infusionsoft.app/app/orderForms/Talk-with-Dana-Trentini-30min
Robert thomas Big man to admit that on a social media platform, so you must be a pretty good person i assume. You got this and coming from that wife with hashimotos she will appreciate it more than she could ever say in words, it would mean the world. Best wishes.
Let me start by saying, Husbands have no idea how their wife feels. My wife had her Thyroid removed in 2008. She taught all day and would sleep till next morning. My wife was raised on a farm. So she has worked all her life.
Fast forward to 2016. I was was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. Had TT and 23 lymph nodes with 7 cancerous.
I cannot explain the tiredness I have experienced. I can take a nap and feel like I’ve never closed my eyes.
Please listen to them. I know it has changed me.
After reading this article, my husband told me, “whoever wrote this look like he was watching me what I was doing every day and what I was saying every day.”
I am in tears most nights as I just want my wife back. She acts like I don’t exist anymore, she doesnt talk to me, doesn’t want to spend time with me, no intimacy, I feel like she is s new person. She has had a rough couple of years with her family and now hashimotos has changed her into this new person and I feel like I cant cope. I have CFS myself, so picking up all the slack with the house and kids is ruining me, and In turn, I resent her for it. I am doing all I can to support her but I feel like I am the one that needs the support now. What do I do????
Warren, thank you for your honesty, it cuts me to the heart to hear your struggle. It seems your wife is unable to communicate with you and does not or cannot understand what you are experiencing because of her own condition. Is there someone you can be open and honest about your feelings? A support system of people, whether one or more may give you strength. I am a Christian believer who draws strength through my relationship with Jesus Christ by His Holy Spirit. If you are not a Christian and would like to know more, I would be happy to tell you more. Please feel free to reach out to me or to another believer in Jesus. May God touch with his mighty hand.
I have depression & anxiety all the time. I’m exhausted even if I haven’t worked that day. The days I did work 12 hours a day 7 days a week 4 a shut down lasting 3 months at a power plant. No one understands & I try to just keep my thoughts & feelings to myself. I’m so angry & upset & I don’t know how to express this anger. I need help expressing it. I don’t know how or I’m too stupid. Just tired of being tired with brain fog, lethargy, depression, anxiety & on & on & on.
thanks for your words.
My husband HAVE to read this article.
He don’t understand what i’m going through.
I feel like i’ve changed and that new person don’t please him.
And he is waiting for the old one come back, but I can’t garatee that.
I don’t even know what I can espect for this disease.
Every week is diferent. One almost good, other umberable…
I’m from Brazil, and you helped me a lot with this article, believe me.
It’s made for husbands, but I could understand what to realy expect from him (and that i’m not crazy for feel bad seeing that he’s not supporting me).
Thanks a lot. I’ll find a way to him read this.
I have suffered with hypothyroidism for many years. Not married, so I don’t have a spouse to not understand. I never know from one day to the next how I’m going to be feeling. I do a pretty good job of staying a pretty happy person because I understand and accept the different things that I’m going through. I will say that it can get kind of depressing not knowing what your next day is going to be like. Most days I’d say 99% of the time I feel fine, but there are so many symptoms. Some days you’re just plain worn out from fighting all the symptom. It would help if doctors knew more about this disease and it would also help if people just simply believed you when you said you weren’t feeling well.
I wish my husband would have read this before he jumped to conclusions about what I was going through. He thought that I didn’t want sex because I was having it with someone else. I didn’t want it cause I had no drive. Unfortunately he couldn’t see that & because his drive was so high & more important than what I was going through he filed for divorce. He told me that if he was having more sex than he could have overlooked everything I was doing or not doing. He tore up my world & not sure if I will ever be the same again. I had hyperactive thyroid & now am hypo. What a roller coaster ride.
February 7th was the 17-year mark for my husband and I and even now after having Hashimoto’s for 16 of those years and him dealing with it alongside me from the get-go there’s been divorce papers in our possession more than one time. It seems like every time we get into an argument still I get accused of having someone else because of the lack of Drive and he just doesn’t understand when I tell him point-blank that I can barely tolerate myself or him most days why in the hell would I bring a third person into that mix 🙁 I feel better now than I have in about 12 years but in order to get to that point I had to make the conscious decision that I had to focus on me and my health and keeping me going so I could take care of my kids and if he wanted to learn and be supportive and stick by me great but if he decided that’s not what was going to happen and it was just too hard and left then I’d be okay with that too…. the way I look at it that is just one less stress on my plate, however harsh that sounds and I do love my husband with all my heart but this disease can literally kill me if untreated or if levels are too low for too long so I have to focus on me first and foremost
This was a great article I have the other side of the coin, it is my fiance who had his thyroid removed and it has caused him to have hypothyroidism. I am trying to get him to understand his disease and what it is doing and why we have to try different ways of eating and doing things.
Thank you for the article.
Damn it iam an idiot,my wife was diagnosed with the disease 33 years ago she had surgery to remove part of her thyroid, I always wondered what was her problem. I have always thought they took out the bad part and now she s fine,Boy was I wrong!!!!!. After reading this article I now understand . I love her to the moon and back and iam going to help her in any aspect of life she needs.Thank you for waking my ass up to this,i feel so very very stupid.thanks again for waking me up.
Robert thomas Big man to admit that on a social media platform, so you must be a pretty good person i assume. You got this and coming from that wife with hashimotos she will appreciate it more than she could ever say in words, it would mean the world. Best wishes.
Awesome article! My wife and have been battling with this for about 6 years now. After the first 3 years of normal marriage, she was pregnant with our second child. And then our world was flipped up side down. I have been guilty of so much of the negative things in this article, and I hate that. But it has gotten better and I think we are stronger now more than ever. Thanks for the awesome!
Wonderful!!! My beautiful wife has struggled with Hashimoto’s for seven years now. Sadly she was just diagnosed with it less than a year ago. Doctor after doctor treated symptoms and not my wife. She has had to learn to walk again and was told she would never function as a “normal” person again. Her struggles continue, but she now has more of her life back. We have stuck together through the first day and it’s sometimes not all that easy to do.
Good stuff Bill! My wife was thrilled that I read your piece. It validates our efforts just knowing we are not alone. It’s a no brainer for me to do my best to understand the illness and support my partner, even when it’s frustrating. It has taken some time, as you say, to get the food and medicine right, but we’ll be fine. Thanks for offering a great perspective!
I thought I had read everything about this illness, but i was so wrong and have not been nearly as supportive as I should be. I feel so ashamed and would always think what am i doing wrong. I must to better and I will. I love my wife to much.
Thanks
You mentioned some reading materials about healing the thyroid and figuring out food sensitivities. Can you offer specific book titles? I need to do this for myself.
Thank you!
Yes please me too! My wife has suffered from Hashimotos for most of her life but there is nit a lot of credible information out there that can be relied upon.
This is a great article!I know some folks who may need to read this. I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism at 3 months old. Yes, pretty much my whole life. I had almost passed away from almost choking on my tongue. I was also born with a lazy eye, and my right foot was inward,and when i was a toddler, i had to wear a special brace for a few years and special type of eyeglasses. Ended up with a slight speech impediment, and some different learning abilities. As an adult, i was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes about 10 years ago, and also had to lose my upper teeth and get a top denture. I am married of 10 years with the husband. Sometimes it’s hard, but i think he is trying to understand. I am almost 42. My husband is a Desert Storm vet. I don’t have a whole lot of friends, but i have a nice, small, group of them.
I agree K. Runnels. I’ve been dealing with this for a very long time. Sometimes I’m in a whack sort of tune with my emotions and “see” that I’m being a b^*^* but feel like I have no control over the monster that day. I quite literally feel like I’m a third party guest to me! And I hate how I treat my husband. He gets the full force of that demon and it’s ugly. Other days I feel like a little girl and just want to curl up in his arms and be held (and get warm!) and feel loved but I can see how hard that is for him to flip the same switch I just flipped.
My “me” is not the girl he fell in love with and it kills me to see him building walls to protect himself from my alter ego. The latest strange side effect is this feeling of detachment and utter confusion. I may only have three damn ducks in front of me but just can’t wrap my head around how to put them in a simple row! I’ve lost the love I have for my job and I feel like I just don’t care….but I know I do! I watch myself push everything I love away with indifference, bitterness and self loathing.
I’ve been where you describe many times, wanting to just disappear to make their lives better. I hate that am the cause of so much hurt and anger.
I have a new doc who seems to have a good grasp on this life altering disease and I’m praying that he can help peel away the ugly, cold, damaged person I’ve become. Before I lose my everything.
I was diagnosed at the age of 15. My husband and I have been married 21 years, and dated 7 before that. Although, it is hard on him and my family with the constant symptoms, has has stayed by my side. This was a GREAT article! Not being able to “see” the disease inhibits people’s understanding. I was just diagnosed with parathyroid last year. Yes it is totally different, but he has and will continue to be by my side. I am a blessed!
I’m with you bill…
What are they expecting, and how long should one put up with the nonsense before you have get free, why are you paying for what that person is going through. Switch sides and see if they stay around. It doesn’t give rights to always have excuses and put things off on someone else. Everyone has something now days.
Decker you’re an ass. This isn’t a everyone has something nowadays type of situation ….the thyroid literally controls every function in the body …it’s not like we can control this. like you said put the shoe on the other foot and switch places and see how well you deal with it. Guess we can see what category of husband you fall in😔🤦♀️
Ya I am with you decker is an ass if his wife has not divorced him she should
Decker I do want to add that if this has gone on for years and she has no accountability for how she’s treating you and doesn’t apologize and all of that then there’s probably other things going on it may just be severe depression or it may be resentment if she feels like she’s doing more than her share because I’ve been there on that one and it takes some serious love and want on the woman’s part as well as the man to make it work when you have Hashimoto’s
Mmmm… vowels spoken, in sickness and health… this article is Specific on Hashimoto’s but Of course with every disease one spouse should be supportive as none of it would be easy to live with but that’s what Being married is all about. People will always change for one reason or another. I don’t think a person should use their sickness or disease but if a spouse is willing to educate, understand, and have compassion for their sick spouse even when it’s hard then I’d see a reasonable person having gratitude and even help bring healing to a person. I’m not saying it’s easy but that’s no reason to throw your arms up and walk away crying woa is me to divorce court 🙄
Dude, that was a great article! So happy to know there are still men out there who think like you besides my wonderful brothers and dad. What you said is so true. From a woman’s perspective, it’s really frustrating dealing with Hashimoto’s. And it can be hard to learn to make some of the adjustments needed to put the disease in remission. It’s especially hard doing it all alone and not being understood or supported by people in your life. We want to be better and back to “normal” too. So I’m glad to hear you “got it” and helped your wife. By the way, very handsome family!
You’re a kind man to try & help others understand. May you & your family always live in good health, peace, happiness, light & love.
She is soooooo very lucky to have you through all of this. I have no one and no one understands, it is terrifying.
Can you get Hashimotos from kissing?
Really what about the dark side of it when you try day and night.
And your wife hates you blames you attacks you and your kids together.
When do you say I had enough.
When do you walk away from your heart that hopes love might return to her heart?
When do you start to care for yourself and not the monster in the house wants to take all the time and never give. Loving emptiness. How many years does one waste doing the lie of love. Love is something you give and never get back only sometimes you might get something in return. Bartering For love is normal to people you give flowers to your wife you want a kiss in return right. With this disease there’s no bartering one can only give to emptiness.
Remember compassionate empathy or things that are used to know they don’t possess those qualities now . And remember the thyroid talks It says lots of bad things and it never forgets . Good luck and best wishes
And remember the thyroid can lie easily to people and you.
Bill… Why you think that thyroid lie?
What do you mean? Tell me more. And isn’t it that this person is lying, not the illness?
I think it is more complex that it was presented here, becouse our temperament and behavior is not only the thyroid. After all, people with Hashimoto differ from each other.
It sounds to me that your wife has other issues going on along with Hashimoto’s. Or maybe she is using it as
An excuse to behave badly. I have this ugly disease and understand how awful it can make us feel but there is no
Excuse (with or without Hashimoto’s) for treating others
Badly. It kind of sounds like she has given in to self
Pity, or a ‘victim’ mentality, which we may all feel at times, but it is not ok to stay there or to take it out on others. Not sure what to advise other than that she should talk to a therapist who understands living with a disease like Hashi’s.
I often times think my husband and family would be happier if I separated myself. The burden I fell for emotions you described are heavy to carry. I can understand your point, and I wish you happiness.
Thank you!!!
Thank you for this very insightful & inspiring article! I’m a 55 yr old male ,who a few months ago, found the love of his life in the most sweetest 43 yr old woman,who has been dealing with Hashimotos for a couple years now! I’m reading & learning all I can as fast as I can as this is all new to me! I’m committed to being an integral part of her health & wellness ! In a short period of time I have seen up close & personal what this disease can do ! I’m a positive hopeful person & a God fearing man, which helps tremendously & there are times when it’s heartbreaking because I just want to fix it! I’m so thankful to come across this resource at this time! I know thru love,patience,perseverance & compassion we will find the balance to enjoy our lives together! Your story is inspiring & I thank you for sharing! God Bless You 🙏🏻
She is a lucky woman!
I cant relate due to the am mount of anger i have built up over the years. I wen’t from having the love of my life to the sexless love of my life. Nearly in my 30s and married with someone who no longer is interested in sex as she use to and expect to have a monogamous relationship. I am glad this worked for you, but for people like me who has tried over and over and low myself to the point i have to plead for sex?
Sorry i dont live in lala land, viable options are simple. Cheat, divorce/brake up or open marriage.
I been dealing with hachimoto since my wife hit 20 so that makes it around 12 years or so of an ever decaying sex life. Hachimoto destroys sex drive on a woman and no amount of Syntroid will fix it.
I am the one with hashimotos in the marriage. We are both Christians and believe in doing the right thing and sticking with someone through it all, even sexless seasons. That said, as my husband’s wife, and no sex drive, it is still my responsibility to be intimate with my husband. This might be where your problem lies. You are doing all the right things, helping her out with chores, etc and just want a little intimacy here and there, not a sex machine like she used to be and she doesn’t think she’s responsible for meeting those needs unless she’s in the mood. I get it, during my lowest point, I resented my husband so much because I felt like he was constantly begging for it on a daily basis and that just made me unattracted even more. Nothing will improve unless she understands that her responsibility is to be intimate, just like it’s your responsibility to stick with her and support her regardless of what you wo are going through. If you aren’t religious in any way I can see how this advise may not be helpful but our faith in God and the Bible is the only reason we are still together today.
Wow ur marriage sounds like mine, except for it seems wanting to be intimate, made me seem needy, and caused her to resent me… while doing other things to show my love, like acts of service, positive affirmations, cleaning house, doing laundry, dishes, basicly working all day then coming home and doing what one might have expected to have already been done by a stay at home mom with all her kids in school…well first of all it just came to be expected of me…and wasnt even appreciated…also made me not attractive and weak…and finally allowing her space so she could still be able to feel like herself watching the kids so she can go out with friend, meant that I LET GO…no, I still havent let go…And despite the pain she’s caused me, and our family, would still take her back.
Im sorry for anybody who has to deal with this disease, but especially for those who dont have spouses like you stacey…Im not perfect, Im human too, but you cant let this disease turn you into a victim, define you, or make excuses…for those of you with Hashimotos, don’t forget that this DOESN’T only effect you, remember to appreciate other peoples feelings as well and thank your loved ones that are going through this with you, we often hurt the most those who are closest to us.
I appreciate this article so much! My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism last summer and it has been a challenge for us to find any information on how to beat support her and encourage her.
Read the article and totally can relate to every scenario. It really is a matter of patience but on the flip side and as the husband dealing with it all. Where are the articles for those with this medical condition to read and realize what they put us through in trying to understand, have patience and just become the focus of the anger, depression and blame. I love my wife but at times it can get overwhelming and frustrating because alot of times these emotions come out of nowhere and worst, in public making myself look like I’m this mean, uncaring person. As I deal with this condition as well and also seek answer dealing with my role. Thanks
Hi there!
Loved this article! It is so important to have someone along side who can listen and remain the calm within the Hashimoto’s storm. I am 47, was diagnosed when I was 12. Unfortunately it took me years to understand the side effects, despite being diagnosed and medicated the whole time. Things are just never quite the same again. My marriage dissolved when, after years of fighting, my body could no longer cope. I was lost. The support of professionals including naturopaths, osteopaths and craniosacral therapists allowed my nervous system to find equilibrium and I began the long process of forgiveness for what I thought was not good enough, and surrendering to my condition, my normal. I hope your experience will inspire others who are managing the complexities of this disease to know that you do not need to live in pain, anxiety, low confidence and despair. There is help and certainly our partner is a beginning.
Loved it! By any chance is they’re a Spanish version?
Great husband article Rock. I do wish for a short version for MY HUSBAND. This much information is entirely too much reading on the subject for my guy.
Hello, my name is Heather Woodard. Your article is AMAZING and I truly believe you are talking about me! I have had thyroid issues since I was a teenager and I am now 43. So I have been taking some mg of medicine for all those years. Here lately I have blamed how I have become on age, not knowing what else to blame it on. But, after reading this (and other articles / information) I truly believe Hashimoto’s could be what I am dealing with. How do you determine “yes, that is definitely what it is?” My husband is an amazing man, but I already know his answer will be “go to the Dr and let them tell you.” Thank you in advance for your help. P.S. I would also love to hear your wife’s side of this … how was she feeling and acting before you found the solutions?
Thank you Rock Robbins for writing this article! It gives me hope, even though my fiance, now back to just boyfriend, doesn’t have the same understanding and patience that you have. I have been dealing with hashimotos for over 20 years now,
I have to take my thyroid medication twice a day just to keep going, and I can honestly say that throughout the many years of struggling, one of the worst things are friends and family, especially family, not understanding. Even my mother has made comments saying “you always use this as an excuse”. It’s heartbreaking, and I do my best to pretend to be okay and not say anything so I don’t get the comments or looks! Additionally, I am now going through menopause as well! So I’m up and down, don’t sleep well, no libido,….the list goes on! Now, for some reason, the boyfriend has been taking all of this personally, and it has been taking a toll on our relationship. He does know about hashimotos, and what it does, but he either quickly forgets, or thinks as long as I take my medication, that I should be fine!
Your wife is so lucky to have you! I wish there were more people, more men like you.
Two days ago my husband called me useless. He’s always muttering things under his breath or looking at me with what I feel is abject hatred. Each one of those instances is like a knife through my heart. I feel the cortisol/adrenaline as my heart skips and my stomach drops and I know that each of these instances, or each time it causes a fight that it’s further inhibiting my healing.
I wish I could go off on my own so I can be away from the negativity and judgement and heal myself; stop being such a burden on my husband. I can’t work at the moment and so he’s working full time and comes home and has to do so much for our two babies (and dog) because I just can’t. He’s running himself into an early grave and won’t look after himself even when he has the opportunity to and it worries me sick. I just feel that I’m such a burden to everyone. The guilt is immense.
I spend hours every day researching what to try next; after my first child was born I told doctors for years that I had hypothyroidism and no one would listen as my TSH would come out of range and then go back in again. When they finally started me on T4 (reluctantly) it did nothing and so it was back to the drawing board for another 2 years to beg to try T3. Now I’m on slow release but with my malabsorption issues I don’t think I’m getting an optimal dose (plus it’s only a low dose anyway).
My babies have never known me as the happy, healthy, confident and motivated person I once was. This is destroying my career, family, relationships, marriage, my kids’ early experiences and development… every aspect of my life. I’m ruining things for everyone I love.
All I want from my husband is some kindness, a hug when I’m down. Every time I cry I tell him I just want a hug. But the next time, I never get it. I feel like he hates me and is only here because he feels obligated to be. He rolled his eyes when I asked him to read this; huffed and puffed like it was the biggest inconvenience in the world – that I’m the biggest inconvenience in the world. I thought he might come in after and give me a hug, have a chat to me about it, or that at the very least, his demeanour will have softened. He did none of these things.
I have no hope that he will give me what I need. I feel at this point that he’s working against me instead of working with me and making a horrendous situation even harder. I just want my health back. I want this all to go away 🙁
I 100% feel the exact same way. It’s so damn disheartening & frustrating & terrifying!! I often feel too that I’d be better off as a single mom. Not be a burden to him anymore & focus on myself and my kids. I feel awful for thinking this…
Oh my sorry that you feel like this, reading your post is like listening to myself. Keep going, you can be strong and your kids will know it.
Raven, I’m sad reading your story. I’m sorry this is happening to you, but please know that you are not alone. I created Hypothyroid Mom because I knew so many of us, including me, suffer in silence and no one gets it unless they live it themselves. Your thyroid disease can wreak havoc on every part of your body and drain you of your energy. What you wrote will so resonate with other hypothyroid people. I wonder may I post your comment as a guest post at Hypothyroid Mom? I could make it anonymous without any name, or if you have a website to promote, I would include your name with a bio at the end. Let me know.
I can relate to this, I’ve had this condition for many years. I sympathize with you. Please research hasimoto’s and LDN, you may find this helpful! My best regards Linda S.
I have been living with this for about 13 years now. It was hard in the beginning. We did not know that she had this disease. I did a lot of the “do not’s” before we learned learned what she had and researched it. It became clear and we learned a lot about each about each other and just how strong our love was. Patience, love and education is all I can reccomend. There are still some bad days but easier to handle now that I know what to do and how to cope. This was a great article, I hope it sheds light and helps other men who are going through this. Your spouse needs you.
Thank you for sharing Sam. You sound like a loving husband. I know there are many Hypothyroid Mom followers that read the comments here on my site and I know yours will give them hope. With love, even sickness can be overcome. All the best, Dana Trentini (aka Hypothyroid Mom)
My husband doesn’t understand anything about my Hoshimoto’s! Nor does he want to I think. I was thinking about sending this to him on FB but didn’t see the point. I’m not able to drink alcohol anymore because for some reason it makes me not be able to breath when I lay down at night. I jump up gasping for air or either can’t fall asleep for checking my pulse because it’s fast or slow. We use to have a good time drinking together some but since I’m not able to do this anymore he makes comments like “Your no fun anymore” “your boring.” “Oh you cant drink alcohol because your going to die.” Or I want the wife I use to know back.” When I get brain fog I can forget how to get somewhere in my own town that I’ve lived in all my life and he will yell at me different things like”you’ve only lived here your entire life..I don’t know..maybe you take a left here…how stupid are you?” And don’t get me started on fatigue. My schedule is so busy I dont even get to sleep the way I need to. If he wants to go out when I get off after working 10 hours and I don’t feel like it…he replies…”of course you don’t want to go”. There are a million other examples of different things. We’ve been together almost 20 years and things are not any better with me or our marriage. Sometimes I think hes staying around until our boys get out of school. He has his own issues too which doesnt make things any better. This article is nice for the men that will read it…unfortunately I dont have one that will! 😢
that is so sad, bad enough to be sick but to live within an enemy zone is horrible.. hang in there and do your best, sadly you cannot control how he thinks or feels, but i am quite sure his negative attitude is not helping improve things 🙁
TEARS ARE ROLLING DOWN MY FACE AS I READ THIS . THIS WAS ME LAST NIGHT I WAS HAVING SUCH A DEPRESSION STAGE TOGETHER WITH STRESS AND ALL THE ABOVE . I FELT LIKE I COUDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE 😪☹😒😫
This breaks my heart to read – one because I feel desperately sad and sorry that your husband is being so unkind but two because my husband is completely clueless too. While he isn’t quite as nasty, he tells me I’m lazy, that I’m getting fat, I should just do exercise and that will fix my joint pain, what do I do all day etc etc etc. The list can go on and on. Living this life is so hard but it is completely unbearable when you have little to no support from the one person who should have your back. Much strength to you- it doesn’t make it any easier but know that you are not alone xx
Penni, It sounds like you are going through a lot. Please know you are not alone. Unless someone lives this disease themselves and sees what a toll it takes on your body, they won’t understand it. You may look “fine” on the outside, but be a complete wreck on the inside. The first step is knowing that your symptoms are very real and not your fault. Happy to have you at Hypothyroid Mom.
Thank, I never think someone will talk about this like they know me, I totally feel like that you understand what it’s feels like, I have this condition and is sad to say that reading through I wished go back in time and make my ex husband read it, he couldn’t understand me after 11 years of marriage, but now he have a new life and I have to get answers to be strong and step back up for myself and my daughter thank you so much!!!
This made me bawl my eyes out.I don’t know where my perseverence comes from.
Omg thank you so much, I could hug you! This made me 😢 cry. I have Hashimoto and it’s not fun.
Omg thank you so much, could hug you! This made me 😢 cry. I have Hashimoto and it’s not fun.
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To echo one of the points, it is ESSENTIAL to be Mr. or Ms. Consistent in ANY relationship. You need to be authentic, stay that way (even when times are hard), and let those around you to be their authentic selves. Otherwise, everyone changes their behavior to some temporary or (mis-)perceived you or other person. Having an authentic life and thoughtful values allows you and others to function without confusion or doubt. Be real, be healthy!
I have been with my woman for more than 8 years, engaged for 3 years. She had a complete thyroidectomy five years ago. She was okay and healthy until two years ago. The light switch just turned off inside of her. Always angry, tired, depressed, no libido, always getting sick. She used to show me so much love and now I feel desperate to get my woman back to how she was before. I desperately want to feel the love she used to show me. We don’t even live together because she lives a few blocks from me. I want my woman back. I’m trying to get her help but all she does is go to a different doctor to treat each symptom seperately instead of addressing the root cause. SHE DOESN’t HAVE A FUCKING THYROID…but nobody listens to me. Not even her parents. So she has been experiencing severe constipation and rectal bleeding for over a month now. So she goes to a gastro and they give her laxatives. Then she gets ear infections, so she goes to the ENT doctor. Heavy periods…the gyno, and so on. I got so fed up with her behavior towards me because I don’t receive any love or affection anymore. I know this is not who she is. I know she still loves me. It’s so hard to get her to listen to me and let me go with her to the doctor because we need to treat the SOURCE of this problem. I’m so pissed as I write this because I feel that nobody believes me or takes me seriously when I say all of these problems we are having is because she has no thryoid and her generic synthroid treatment just doesn’t cut it. I have been so fucking patient, not had sex in two fucking years. I’m mad because I just want to kidnap my girlfriend so I can take her to an endocrinologist and grab him by the balls and tell him to try something different like Armour thyroid or some other NDT. Then I want to take her to a nutritionist and get her on the right type of diet because her digestive system has gone to crap with her leaky gut. She probably can’t even absorb any vitamins or nutrients as well. All of this has affected her thinking, judgement, behavior and has made her paranoid over things she shouldn’t be paranoid about. Brain fog, doesn’t begin to describe the issue. She has a learning disability to begin with, add the symptoms of brain fog to that, and you got somebody who is mentally disconnected. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let her suffer this way. She is a terrible self advocate for her health and will give doctors wrong information or leave out important information, i.e. “she has no thryoid”, that would be the first thing you she should be telling a doctor. She does this unintentionally so I really worry for her. I’m 38 years old, no kids, never married, and I want to start my life with my woman but I can’t because everything has gone to shit over the past two years. I don’t know what to do anymore.
As hard as this is, I know you think you could only love her, but that is not true. Take care of yourself and your needs, because it’s possible she may never get well. My husband left me because I couldn’t fill his needs. I am happy alone, just working on me. People who have a severe case of these problems just want to withdraw and get well. You can’t fix her…. but you can fix your situation.
Unfortunately, once the thyroid is removed, the immune system will start attacking other organs. Getting rid of the thyroid gland does not rid the body of Hashimotos. It can attack the brain etc instead. She definitely needs better medication and supplements. Also Low Dose Naltrexone should help. I could write a novel about all this but this is a a decent start. Hope this helps. Best wishes to you both and to everyone here…
My wife has hashis and I consider myself lucky that she wants badly to get better, and is an advocate for herself…hate to say this brother but if you’ve tried and tried, and SHE doesn’t want to help herself, you need to break it off and build your self worth back up…until she wants to help herself, you can’t fix her alone.
I’m so sorry bro. I just found out that my ex has Hashimoto as well. I’m sorry about ur woman it sounds like you love her so much. I hope you can find a way to heal her and yourself in the process!
Maybe you can ask your Endocronologist to check her PTH and Calcium levels I have no thyroid either and still have all these issues she has after the fact and I just found out 30 years later I have a tumor in my parathyroid
Ben, bless you for hanging in there. I have Hashis, and have struggled like your gf. I have learned that every single day of staying on track is what must happen to feel good. Healthy food, Force myself to take a daily walk, Lots of sleep, LEARN TO NOT OVER DO my work and social schedule. Synthroid meds will not fix it all. Have her consider taking daily dose of 2k Vitamin D3 and have endrocronologist check levels. Also try Thyromin from Young Living. Only 3 pills per week, as it is highly concentrated in Iodine, what the thyroid used to produce. Also know that you will both have ‘bad days ‘ if you continue with your relationship. Good luck!
Ben, even though she doesn’t have a Thyroid, she still has the antibodies which can destroy not only the Thyroid but end organ origins. An example of this is your inner ears where the nerve connects to the brain. It kills the nerves, thus makes you loose your hearing like I experienced. Is she dizzy and have balance problems? Hope that helps you understand a little more. I’m sure she appreciates you not giving up.
Ben I’m in the same boat only worse. My wife is been seeing the best endocrinologist hashimoto’s doctor in the state. She has been on the best gluten-free hashimoto diet and dialed in meds now for the past few years. She says she feels a lot better now. But I don’t think she wants a husband anymore. We’ve had sex once in the past 10 years. She can’t stand touch or me within a 10ft radius. She’s beautiful. I have to force myself to not look at her or remember how were. She’s nice, we don’t fight and says thank you when I take care of her if she’s having a hashi day.. but that’s where it ends and that’s where it will always end. Just a casual acquaintance room mate is all you’re going to get. A spousal relationship is not possible. Like I’m a rapist or something.. I can’t even see her in her underwear anymore and sleeps fully clothed with her bra on. She makes sure the door is locked and I’m out of the room when she changes even a shirt. Zero words of love or any sort of affection. She hates me looking at her or telling her she’s pretty. So I had to stop all that stuff. The husband in the article was lucky. It will not get better. You have to believe me. It just won’t. The thyroid hashimoto thing prevents any sort of relationship.
So please find someone else for the sake of your own mental health and quality of life and well-being
Wow, I have gained a bit of comfort reading this. I think it is hard to Understand, Deal with, & Accept. Thank you All so much. We have been together 4 years the past 2 1/2 have been a roller-coaster-plus. God knows I needed this too. It’s hard and it cause a lot of hurt 😞
I lost my sister a few days ago because I became so down after traveling from Philadelphia to Florida to see her.Little sleep and poor food on the way to get to the destination.I became so down and out of it the next day. I tried to explain to her about my feeling awful.She flipped out and spent most of the visit dismissing me.I apologized to her.Nothing was really okay after that.So sad after being friends for 50 years.
She can’t help it!!! She’s still in there, somewhere
Please love her enough to help her to keep moving forward……I know it’s awful. I feel so bad for my poor husband and I wish he could meet others to know he is not alone and she loves him and wants to be held through the fog and chaos of this devastating diagnosis!!! If my husband has the strength to live me take me for a drive or a walk and moves me forward I come back for a bit and he sees hope. So walk her drive her hold her.
Hi, my wife has this and I find it very hard at times to deal with. I know she goes thru a lot and I really do try. She goes back and forth. One week or two we are great then the next day or so she fucking hates me and I can’t do nothing right. I love this woman more than anything in the world but at times it’s so hard. I will never give up on her because when times are good it’s like heaven. I feel at times I let it linger with me to long and take shit out on her. Which doesn’t help and I don’t always know what to say to her. I’m really bad with words and better with writing. As of right now she says she don’t want me here which fucking kills me. But we have had these issues before. I just hate these times. Does this sound normal? Thanks
I’m going through the same right now. Reading thru this article and the comments makes me believe it’s somewhat normal.
The key is sucking it up, taking it, and if you need to let it out to do it at an appropriate time and in a healthy productive way. I’m 4 months into this, and still struggling to figure that out!
Yes, the comments they make, hurt like a bullet to the ❤. I try too but one on one time helps us sometimes.
My wife says she wants me to be happy, but not with her. She has also said she does not hate me but does not want to be with me anymore. She has Hoshimotos for over 5 years. She is 41, we have been married 20 years and I don’t know what to do.
I tell her I love her and she says no I don’t….. She has moved out this past month to live with her mom 10 minutes down the road. It kills me to see her hurting this way. She won’t even talk to me….. She does not want to go back to the dr. And she refuses to have a biopsy back in March…. I’m at a lost….
Aaron
It is normal . And it is hard . But you are not alone . When my wife starts to regress ( if that’s the word) I just say to myself “ this is not my wife, this is hashis) I wish I could tell you how to deal with it, But every relationship is different. The hardest part is when her moods suddenly change. You walk out the room all good and happy , walk back in and hashis has reared it’s head. It is a real rollercoaster . Unlike the other advice on these blogs, you are also importnant in your marriage and you need to make sure you do not compromise yourself. I’m lucky in that my wife and I are attempting mindfulness . We are trying to establish unemotional communication. In other words , she says to me “ I’m feeling tired now I need me time or to be left alone etc. “ this way I know she is having a hard time and I can try be more supportive or leave her to it as she wishes. I do not take offence etc. But you need your wife to sign up to this. I made a vow through sickness and health and I love my wife. Remember to love your self and When hashis has gone and your wife is back. Enjoy your time together
Wow! A few days ago my wife was diagnosed with Hashimoto, we were really shocked, because we did not know what it is, much less did we know what to do.
Today that I have read your article, you have really helped me indirectly, you have shared me very valuable information, I feel very well now, I feel less fear.
Thank you for everything Dana and Rock, God bless you.
Greetings from Mexico
I have Hashimoto’s and unfortunately it has cause tension. I love my husband but he doesn’t understand. I have provided information, tv shows, Dr. Oz or even sharing this link. He has no empathy especially when its notvhis way. I’m the bad person to the point I was told find a cure or die. And he expects me to be loving to him. He doesn’t make it easier for me. I’m already feeling bad because I’m not the same person no more – causing me to get deptessed…. I guess its all in my head’s isn’t it.
Yes ma’am, it a all in our head. We want to feel like crap and be sick and not be able to remember a damn thing. That’s living to “Good life” isn’t it sister. Lol
I understand sweety, my husband often has little temper tantrums and feels sorry for himself because my problems interfere with his pleasures. I never in a million years would have thought that he could be such an ass to me. We’ve been married 20 years, I’ve been sick for about 6, only got diagnosed properly about 3 years ago. In the past few months I’m actually starting to feel somewhat like my old self do I’m able to do a little more. I want my old life back more than anyone, but its devastating when your spouse kicks you when your down.
Thanks for this but what if you the husband feels like your wife doesn’t even care about you for a year while she deals with this herself alone because that’s the way she is. I’ve felt lost and depressed this past year while she’s dealing with this as she has no connection to me. No physical touching or affection from the person i love more then anything. Recently she’s being taking a more holistic approach and it’s helped tremendously but i fear things will just go back the way they were. Been married 14 years and she’s had this for about 3.
Eric,
I think my husband might feel the way you do. This makes me sad.
I’m in almost the exact same position and timeline as you, Eric. This research has helped me understand, but for the longest time I just felt completely unconnected and not loved by my WIFE. We have 3 beautiful kids that she shows affection to, but pretty much nothing for me. I have things I can improve upon as well, no doubt and am willing to do what it takes.
Keep going…I am too with kids a grandchild and work. Its hard..
She can’t help it!!! She’s still in there, somewhere
Please love her enough to help her to keep moving forward……I know it’s awful. I feel so bad for my poor husband and I wish he could meet others to know he is not alone and she loves him and wants to be held through the fog and chaos of this devastating diagnosis!!! If my husband has the strength to live me take me for a drive or a walk and moves me forward I come back for a bit and he sees hope. So walk her drive her hold her.
For some of us hashi husbands we just have to accept that things will not change or get better in the love department. I wish my wife wanted what you want. But the last thing she wants is to walk with me, be held by me or be within a 10-foot radius of me. Her anxiety and personal space bubble have taken that part of our marriage. My reward from her now is her awesome smile and a thank you. There will never be any physical or affectionate reward that brings us closer together ever again even though I crave it deeply. (or it would have happened by now) Hashimoto’s has killed that part of the marriage with its evil side effects. I haven’t had a kiss or hug in years . I’ve done everything. That’s just how hashi affects my wife. I would be a complete jerk to divorce her because of her health condition. Husbands with hashi wives similar to mine need to replace their unwanted marital desires with hobbies or friends that will take your mind off a normal marriage. I found it’s the only way to sanity besides a painful split.
As the wife and the one with Hashimotos I want to share that she probably pushes herself to “fake it” and act as close to “normal” with the kids as she can and she might feel she can be the “real her” with him because he’ll take care of her or understand more. Trust me, some days it takes so much effort just to get up off the bed. If my husband is working I’ll stay there until he’s about home and then force myself up…at least to the couch. He’ll come in and I don’t even have the energy required to talk. It’s very frustrating and not at all what we’d like it to be like.
Hi Joanna, Your comment really resonated with me as I know it would with many people with thyroid disease and all other chronic illnesses. I wonder if you would be interested in writing a guest post about this topic. Starting the article with this and just adding more detail, even if it is shorter than my other articles, would be very popular with my HM readers. In the past I’ve included a guest post with and listed the author anonymous since the person did not want her name included or I could use your initials. If you are interested [email protected]
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in a relationship with my woman for almost 9 years. Four years ago we got engaged. The year before the engagement she had her thyroidectomy. Her Synthroid was working OK up until about two years ago. She completely lost her libido, her anxiety is out of control, she became a different person and very mean to me for no reason. She even broke up with me twice. During this time I had no idea that it could have been thyroid related. I researched and researched online And realize that all of these mental and physical symptoms were due to the lack of thyroid and not converting her T4 Synthroid into T3. When she finally decided to speak to me, I told her that we cannot continue this relationship until we get control of her health. I knew for a fact that they were not testing her free T-3, and I had my gut instinct that her Synthroid was not working well for her. I made sure to get her to the right doctor to get her free T3 tested, and lo and behold, I was right for the past 2 1/2 years that her levels were low, her vitamin D was deficient, and she needed to take a T4 T3 combo such as Armour Thyroid. She just started her new medication three weeks ago, And slowly making progress. She’s on a very low dosage and I know they have to increase it quite a bit. My suggestion is for any husband out there that is reading this, if your wife or girlfriend only takes Synthroid, levothyroxin, or just T4 drug, you must get her free T3 tested. This is a must. Because no matter how much dieting and yoga and all that other holistic stuff, nothing will work if she cannot convert T4 to T3. I have suffered quite a bit emotionally because of this. We have a follow up doctors appointment in two weeks. The hardest part about this situation was how stubborn she was, and she would say that “you think you’re a doctor“. She did not do any research on this herself. I researched everything I possibly could. I love her very much, and I was at my breaking point because she just Wouldn’t listen to me about the doctor and getting tested for free T3. I was so glad I did what I did, because when the doctor looked at her bloodwork, Her levels were so low, that the brain fog was messing up her thinking and making her extremely paranoid over any little thing. I urge you, you must get the free T3 tested.
Thank you so much for being such a good partner. I’m very much like you about all the research. Unfortunately most doctors swear by Levothyroxine/Synthroid and refuse to give any of the drugs with T3. I’m pretty positive that I’ve been suffering from Hoshimotos since I was 21 years old, but all the different doctors always told me that my thyroid tests were good and it was all in my head. I’m now 45 and only in the past 3 years have I finally found a doctor with some knowledge. Thank God! It’s been an incredibly long haul for me, but in the past few months I’m starting to feel somewhat like my old self and I’m looking forward to getting even better. I may never be 100% again, but at least now I can semi-function like a normal person. However, my 20 year marriage has suffered and I don’t know if it will ever truly recover. From time to time my husband has a childish, selfish little fit where he treats me horrible and has left me a few times. He would have never even dared treat me that way when I was strong and healthy. I really feel like I’m in a terrible spot. I sure don’t need the stress, it really messes with my health and I’ve preached to him everything I learn about hoshimotos,,,, but when he starts feeling sorry for himself because I’m slowing him down, he always reverts to being ugly to me. I’m lazy,,,, but when I try to do something he tells me I can’t do it. So I’m just stuck.
But again, I think you are an excellent partner & appreciate you trying so hard to help your lady.
Hi I’m have hashimoto my Dr put me on Armor thyroid it converts your t4 to t3. Maybe this will help her.
I can’t do what I did six months ago. I exercised 4 days a week even did CrossFit at 58 years old. I have resigned from a 40 year career. Now my life is sleeping 14 hours or more a day. I have suffered from depression most of my life. Can’t stay in bed much longer I feel horrible. Thyroid and hoshmoties is killing me
Oh Karen I’m so sorry. Your story is similar to my own. Quit showering brushing my teeth wearing makeup…..can’t sleep can’t get
Up God bless us and give us hope…….I care
Hi chuck I understand
Thank you so much for this
I shared this hoping my hubby of almost 39 yrs and my sons would read and hopefully would understand a little more ! I also deal with lupus -Sjogrens -fibromyalgia and migraines and I still take care of and do for all of them including a son -girlfriend and 2 grandchildren 19 months and almost 2 months that I care for and they all think I’m a bitch but I do everything and I’m about to break ……. ps I almost died in April from double pneumonia and mersa after 12 days in I c u with a tube down my throat helping me breathe ! God help me !
This article touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing it with others!!! My youngest sister had Hashimoto’s disease and no thyroid. I will he sharing this with a few members of my family. It was very, very helpful. God bless you, thank you!!
I also have hashimotos n lupus n trying to figure out why i still can barely move and my soon to b ex and its bcause hes n alcoholic with mommy issues . I moved in here and took care of his dumb ass and his kids and his soster is a fat lazy slob who lives upstairs ,they all never cleaned so i moved in doiched the whole place ti i was crippled ,place had mold was gross. ,never took carenof his kids cleaned after them or made food. I get sick n im tje bitch as these lazy asses grew fatter n more megative always bashing me my weight ,my boobs ,my hair when i cut it. Make fun of me he never stood up for me but now thay i apply for a place he torments me woth qhennim gonna move but still does not clean afternll gimself or make a meal. Im seriously gonna beat him like a ragdoll
Thank you so much for this. As a husband, I really needed to read this.
Hi chuck doing it a bit tough yes I understand